


with or without you

by awilliamson81



Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Love/Hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-09 01:12:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17991989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awilliamson81/pseuds/awilliamson81
Summary: They have never liked each other. At least, she thought that was their deal. She thought they had an unspoken agreement to not give a shit about each other.





	1. unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how old Dan and Amy are on the show, but I'm going off the assumption they're 90's kids. Hopefully, that will explain some of the more outdated things that pop up (like landlines and answering machines).  
> This starts out to be fairly mild, but my plan is to take it to a mature place (possibly explicit??) :)  
> Also, I haven't tagged all the characters I'll be using because I'm not sure which ones will make the cut.

They’ve known each other since elementary school. In a town as small as theirs, it’s impossible to not end up in each others orbit from time to time.  


Their parents and grandparents went to school together. Again, small town.  


His mom and her uncle briefly dated in high school and got caught “fooling around” by his grandmother.  


They have never liked each other. Or rather, they each didn’t care that the other existed. At least, she thought that was their deal. She _thought_ they had an unspoken agreement to not give a shit about each other.  


She had assumed he couldn’t have cared less about her. He looked right past her and never spoke a direct word to her all though elementary and middle school.  


Unfortunately, some part of her lizard brain focused in on him whenever he was in her vicinity. She didn’t know why at the time, but life is funny that way. The universe is funny that way. Her fucking hormones are funny that way. She wasn't harboring a crush. It wasn't some unrequited love bullshit (that she was aware of). She was simply curious about him and his friends, but mostly him. He was a mystery to her and she loves a good mystery; loves to curl up and dive in.  


She learned something about him very early on; he’s an _asshole_. He was never the leader of the assholes, but he made a decent instigator. No, being the leader would have gotten him into trouble, put him on the radar, and he never wanted to be that kid. He liked to stir shit for fun, but he knew how to stay on the straight and narrow for appearances sake.  


For as long as she can remember, every girl and their mother (and aunts and grandmothers and sisters) thought he was attractive. She’s been aware of what they say about him, but never gave any of it a second thought. (What a good looking boy. He’s going to he a heartbreaker! Ohmygod he’s so hot. And the one that truly creeped her out came from her Aunt Debbie - That boy has _bedroom_ eyes).  


For her, she had never found him attractive because it takes more than looks to make her swoon and he’s a complete and total shit. We’re talking high class, grade A, number one ass clown.  


She adores his sister. She’s older than both of them and possibly the nicest person to ever live in their town. She is beautiful in a very different way that _everyone_ can agree on. She is whip-smart and just… literally loved by all.  


He is not (loved by all).  


His brother is much older than them and she doesn’t know much about him except that he drives a Mercedes and only visits on holidays.  


Her sister sucks. End of.  


She will come to learn that he is every bit as smart as his sister (he would laugh in your face for saying it). So smart that she sometimes feels inadequate around him and she’s really fucking smart. He’ll never be truly nice though, not really.  


He will set the tone for her taste in men; sexy and slightly sinister.  
 

She will ruin all other women for him because they'll never be her.

_______

Her curiosity and loathing towards him grows when they reach junior high. She's a freshman and he's a sophomore when she starts dating his friend (as much as you can date someone at this age).  


Sydney is a popular guy and a year older than her so she feels flattered when he starts showing her attention.  


They hold hands, kiss, and hang out in groups which is how she’s forced into spending time with Dan.  


Dan Egan is now apart of her friend group and he hates her for it. Or so it seems.  


They (a few boys, a few girls) regularly go to the local pizza joint or to the canal bank to go fishing. Sometimes they just hang out on a street corner or if they're feeling up to it they hike up to the water tower. Once the boys take up smoking, they spend more time at the water tower and the quarry, far away from any adult's eyes; word spreads like wildfire in a small town.  


He never looks at her, never acknowledges her. He won't sit or walk near her. He's not outwardly mean to her, just pretends she’s not there. She hates him for making her feel like an outcast in a group of what she now considers friends. No one else seems to notice, but she feels it and when she returns home after seeing him, her thoughts revolve around figuring him out.

_______

They're at the quarry around about the time the sun is beginning to set. It's a Saturday and they all have to go home soon for dinner.  


She always wonders how they mask the smell of the cigarette smoke from their parents. Gum and a few spritz’ from Bath and Body Works seem like obvious red flags to her.  


At this point, every one of them has taken to sneaking cigarettes except her. They all tease her for being so uptight. Not him though. He just looks the other way.  


Until he doesn't.  


Sydney offers her his cigarette (her lovely, pushy boyfriend that has been trying to get her to smoke since he started). They all watch her for a reaction, including Dan. She doesn't need to look at him to know he's watching her, she can feel it; can feel herself getting warm and her voice is wobbly when she says it can't be so bad to try.  


The girls make varying comments about her being a bad girl and Sydney smiles triumphantly.  


She reaches her fingers out to take the cigarette from Sydney and is stopped by the sound of Dan's voice.  


“No.” If she wasn't so inexplicably tuned to him, she wouldn't have heard it.  


Her eyes widen and meet his. He's looking directly at her from where he's sitting. She wants to look away from him, but… he's never made eye contact with her before and she feels something in her stir.  


Sydney laughs a little, “what are you, her dad?”  


“No.” He's answering Sydney but still looking at her when he says it. “She's said no every time you ask. Stop asking.”  


She wants to smile at him. Or tell him she can make her own decisions, fuck you very much.  But instead she stares right back at him until he takes one long last drag off his cigarette and looks away from her. She studies the way he rolls the cherry off the end and stubs it out with his shoe before pocketing the butt. There’s something so disgustingly attractive about the way he moves. She wants to crawl inside him and take him apart piece by piece until she knows him backwards and forwards.  


Sydney finishes the cigarette she almost tried and flicks it aside. Her eyes track the discarded butt and a small smile plays at her lips. Dan doesn’t litter. He’ll pollute his lungs but not the earth. It’s something, she supposes. She finds it so endearing it makes her sick.  


“You ready?” Sydney asks, but he's not really asking.  


He grabs her hand and they all start walking back to town and their respective homes to eat dinner with their families.  


Their families that did the same things they were just doing years before in the same quarry, in the same town.  
 

He doesn't spare her a glance on the walk home but she can't wait to be away from him to smile and over analyze everything she just learned.  


It was nothing to the rest of them but to her it was _huge_. It felt significant in a way she can't verbalize to anyone without sounding like she's trying to see something that's not there.

_______

Her parents surprise her with her own phone number for her bedroom because they’re sick of her tying up the house line.  


She gives it out to a few friends and Sydney.  


She starts coming home to messages on her answering machine from Sydney and Will (Dan’s voice is also present but not as forefront as the others). The messages vary from heavy breathing to ridiculous singing to fart noises. She rewinds them and plays them over and over just to hear Dan’s very minor bits. Of course she thinks it’s funny and sweet that her boyfriend is leaving her stupid messages and blah blah, but it’s Dan’s voice that throws her.  


He doesn’t speak to her in person, but finds it completely acceptable to participate in whatever foolishness this is. (A few years later she comes to find that he was always the one to initiate the calls).

_______

A month or so passes and it’s more of the same.  


Except now she’s been having a problem with two girls that are in Sydney’s grade. They knock her books out of her hands, push her into the lockers, and write things like I LOVE SYDNEY on their binders and hold them out for her to see. When she tells Sydney, he laughs it off and tells her she needs to lighten up a little. He always tells her she needs to lighten up. She _likes_ being dark, goddammit.  


When he sees them shove her in the hallway he playfully admonishes them and they respond with an equally playful “sorry, Sydney.”  
 

She’s not sure he’s worth it.  


When they start threatening to hit her, she shrinks in on herself. She plans her day out to avoid them which is quite a feat considering their school has about 500 kids total (that includes seventh to twelfth grade).  


Whenever the more abrasive girl, Lisa, sees her she threatens to punch her in the face because she’s sick of looking at her. The thought of being hit in the face terrifies her, but it’s the knowledge that someone hates her so much they want to cause her physical harm that makes her want to cry.  


And she does.

_______

Sydney wants more from her than she is comfortable giving. He isn’t pushing her for sex, but he wants to touch her more than she wants to be touched.  


They make out as often as they can at either his house or her house when their parents aren’t home. (Sometimes when they are). These sessions make her nervous and sweaty (not in a good way) and when his hands start to push under her bra, she lets him. She stiffens and isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do. She worries her boobs aren’t big enough or that they’re shaped weird or her nipples aren’t… sexy enough? (That’s a thing, right?)  


It’s when his hand travels lower that she stops him. Her words don’t do the trick; she has to physically grab his wrist and pull his hand away. He laughs her off and tries again, but she stops him once more.  


“Seriously?” He’s clearly frustrated with her.  


She looks away from him because she feels shamed, embarrassed. (She won’t fully comprehend until later that he’s the one that should be ashamed of himself).  


“You really should take the stick out of your ass; you might actually have some fun.” And with that, he gets off her and her bed and adjusts himself. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  


Instead of dumping his ass she admonishes _herself_ and feels like a loser for not wanting him to touch her. She’s supposed to want that, right? He’s always making her feel like everyone else around her is normal and she is… an outcast. Going so far as to calling her “weird” and “a prude.”  


(It will not dawn on her how incredibly fucked up this is until she’s older.)

_______

They have what is aptly named a “Sleep In” at their school. She doesn’t understand the purpose and does _not_ want to participate. Why would she want to be stuck in the school overnight with her bullies and a boyfriend that’s getting handsier by the day?  


Uh, no thank you.  
 

But her mom volunteers to be a chaperone so she’s going whether she likes it or not.  
 

It’s only for freshmen and sophomores so at least she won’t have to wear her pajamas in front of senior boys. But she will have to wear them in front of Dan Egan.  
 

Maybe she can sleep in her clothes?  
 

The night is… boring as hell. They roam the halls in groups, hang out in the gym, and eat their weight in chips and pretzels. There’s a movie playing in one classroom and she tries to get into it, but she’s unable to relax knowing Lisa and Michelle could come find her at any moment.  


She instead decides to go to the gym. She settles herself on the bleachers far enough behind and away from Dan that he won’t notice she’s joining him in watching Sydney and a few others play HORSE. Why he’s not playing, she doesn’t know. Dan’s an _excellent_ basketball player. He turns his head in her direction over his shoulder and flits his eyes to her and away so fast any normal person would miss it. But she doesn’t.  


She feels hot all over and fidgets until she’s in the most flattering position she can achieve just in case he does turn to look at her again. She doesn’t spend too much time thinking about why she cares what Dan fucking Egan thinks of how she looks.  


When Sydney joins her after his game he tells her Lisa was looking for her with amusement coloring his voice.  
 

“I’ve been trying to avoid her.” She sounds small and weak and nothing like herself. She hears a small bark of sarcastic laughter that comes and goes so quickly it’s as if it was only meant for her ears.  


Early the next morning, she’s lying awake on the cold, hard floor. Her sleeping bag is doing little to warm her. She screws her eyes shut and wishes she was anywhere but at her God-forsaken school on a Saturday morning. She feels someone kick her foot. She reluctantly opens her eyes expecting it to be Lisa or Sydney, but it’s not.  


He crouches down and she sits up to face him. She’s not sure she’s ever been this close to him before. His eyes are so dark brown they’re almost black. His eyebrows are thick and just as dark to match the black hair on his head. His eyelashes are long and thick (dumbass boys always get the eyelashes) and she’s struck by him. Why she’s now finding him so undeniably attractive completely eludes her. Not to mention pisses her off.  


“Next time tell her to hit you.” His voice is low but insistent.  
 

It takes her a moment to grasp what he’s saying.  


“Tell her… to hit me?”  


“Yeah, when she threatens to hit you, call her bluff.”  


“Why the hell would I-  what if she listens?”  


“She won’t.”  
 

“Yeah, but-”  


“She _won’t_ . But if she does… _she_ looks like the asshole and gets in trouble.”  


The actual meaning of the words don’t register with her brain immediately on account of him being so close and saying so many...words to her. To _only_ her. Also, there’s a freckle on his bottom lip that she kinda wants to bite, but also kinda wants to punch.  


When her brain stops lagging she finds her voice. “Are you setting me up?”  


He looks bored. “Why would I do that?”  


“Because you hate me.”  


He wets his lips. “I’m trying to-” he shakes his head and barks out a humorless laugh. “Do what you want.”  


He stands and walks away from her before she can think of a reason to stop him.

 


	2. smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loosens up around her a little more and to her delight she discovers he’s hilarious. It’s exactly her sense of humor; dark, dry, witty, and backed by intelligence. From time to time, he’ll make a comment under his breath that he knows only she’ll hear. It makes her feel like she can be more of herself around him than with other people. She spends no time examining why it thrills her they think so similarly.

He starts dating her (somewhat kind of) friend, Candice (she prefers _Candi_ and does she even need to tell you how she feels about this). Candi is… cute. She’s blonde and little and as interesting as a bowl of oatmeal (The plain kind, not peaches and cream because peaches and cream is _delicious_ . Fight her). Also, she’s southern so she has the whole… belle thing going for her.   


It shocks her so much she has to ask Candi three times if it’s Dan _Egan_ . They’re in the locker room before gym class and Candi tells her like they’re the bestest friends to ever best friend.  


“Yeah, he came right up to me at my locker and asked if I would go out with him!”  


“That’s… do you even like him?”  


“It’s Dan Egan. He’s just about the hottest guy in our school.”  


“Debatable. But do you _like_ him?” Seriously, why don’t people answer the questions they are _asked_ ?  


“Sure, why not? Anyway, I guess we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other!”  


“I guess… wait- why?”  


“Because y’all are friends, right?”  


Uh, no. No they are not. She can see how it might seem that way to an outsider, but she would never in her right mind refer to her and Dan as _friends_ .   


“We better get out there before Mrs. Hallowes starts screaming her head off.”  


Right. School. Gym class.  


They are _not_ friends.   
_______

“Do it.” Her voice is far more adamant than she feels. “Just fucking do it already. You wanna hit me? Hit me!” Her voice reaches a shrill note she’s not proud of but her adrenaline is through the roof and things like tone of voice cannot be controlled at the moment.  


Lisa scoffs, “You are _so_ not worth the detention.” She turns on her heel and saunters off.  


He was right. Holy shitsnacks, he was _right_ .  


She smiles so wide for the rest of the day it hurts. At lunch, Sue tells her to tone down the happy because she’s scaring people. Kent agrees with Sue, but tells her it was a job well done. Ben tells her he was hoping to see her hit Lisa. Mike steals her fries and asks “Lisa who?”  


Dan and Candi are both missing from lunch and she has to stop her thoughts from drifting to why.  


Later in the day when she’s switching her books out at her locker, he comes up behind her. She knows it’s him before he speaks because her stomach turns (flutters, whatever). He’s standing so close to her she can feel the heat radiating from his body. It’s like she’s on auto-pilot when she leans back against him, craving the feel of his solid chest. When he speaks she can feel his breath on the shell of her ear. “You’re welcome.”

_______

She finds out soon enough that Dan dating Candi means even more time spent around him. And her. And her bubbly personality that grates on her every last nerve.  


More often than not, it becomes the four of them and it’s… _awkward_ .   


Candi tries in vain to start conversations with Dan but his answers are monosyllabic. He’s not rude to her… well okay, maybe it seems like he’s being rude, but really that’s just him.  


She has no idea how he is with her behind closed doors and truly does _not_ want to know. Maybe they’ve had sex already? That thought makes her wanna vomit all over them. She’s not close enough to Candi to ask and knows if she does ask it would probably bring them closer and she would rather pluck out her eyelashes.   


They’re at Guiseppe’s (local pizza place where everyone hangs out) when it happens.   


Their food is delivered and Candi makes an ‘mmm’ sound that Sydney smiles at and Dan ignores. Salads for both Candi and herself, a spicy italian hoagie (sub or grinder if you’re a weirdo) for Dan, and Sydney gets two slices of pepperoni. They put hot peppers on her salad again (she hates them) and tomatoes on Dan’s hoagie (he hates them).   


She puts the peppers on his hoagie as he puts the tomatoes on her salad. It’s not something they’ve ever done before, but it happened so naturally it doesn’t register with her until Candi says something.  


“Why don’t y’all just order your food without those things.”  


“We do.” They reply in unison. Their eyes meet briefly and they exchange a look that clearly says ‘duh.’  


“Oh.” Candi smiles at Dan and she guesses his look is something that could be considered a smile.  


Later that night when she’s home in her room, an unsettling thought slams into her; Dan pays enough attention to her to know she likes tomatoes. She’s not sure what to do with this information, but it rolls around in her brain for awhile.

_______

They’re at Sydney’s, in his bedroom, watching a movie. Her and Sydney are on his bed and Dan and Candi are on the floor. Sydney is _mauling_ her. It’s like she’s being assaulted by an octopus.  


She’s told him to stop so many times she’s annoying _herself_ .   


She’s more interested in what’s happening on the floor. Or not happening. Candi and Dan are sitting together. He’s leaning back on his hands and Candi is doing her best to share his space. She’s kissing his neck and he’s not… he’s not really responding to her. He’s not completely ignoring her, but he’s not not ignoring her either.  


When Sydney shoves his hand down the front of her jeans, she smacks his arm. “ _Stop_ .” She’s pulling at his wrist and he’s laughing.  


Candi giggles a little when she asks if her and Dan should leave to give them some privacy.   


Dan very calmly and without looking away from the television says, “Sydney, if I have to listen to her say ‘stop’ one more fucking time, I’m gonna punch you in the dick.”  


Sydney ignores him and goes to work on her neck, sucking hard enough to mark her. She hits and pushes at him to get off her. The problem is, he’s bigger than she is and _very_ persistent. “Sydney, get the fuck off me!” She feels like she can’t breathe.   


He moves off her and mumbles something that sounds like ‘jesus christ’ She jumps off the bed and Dan is _right there._ She stumbles into him and he grabs her shoulders to steady her. She feels as if she’s overheating and can’t get enough air. Candi is still sitting on the ground staring up at them, at Dan’s hands on her.  


He must realize he’s touching her and drops his hands away from her like she’s burned him.  


He doesn’t need to say anything. Doesn’t need to ask her if she’s okay or if she wants him to walk her home. She can feel all of that from him without him having to open his mouth. His face tells her everything and they leave. He waits for her to go first and follows her down the stairs and out the door.   


Candi’s brain must catch up because she’s not far behind them. She thanks Sydney on their way out. They roll their eyes.

_______

Dan tells Candi that Sydney is seeing another girl from another school and she doesn’t even care. She knew she had to break up with him, but she’s just been avoiding him until he (hopefully) went away.   


Thankfully, the group of friends she stumbled into because of Sydney doesn’t go away. She still spends time with them, including Sydney. This also means she’s still near Dan far too often. He still doesn’t give her much attention, but he does laugh at her jokes sometimes. He tries to hide it but she sees him.   


Dan is still seeing Candi, but not much is going on between them besides awkward phone calls. Does she want to know this? No. But Candi seems to think they’re best buds now and overshares.   


He loosens up around her a little more and to her delight she discovers he’s _hilarious_. It’s exactly her sense of humor; dark, dry, witty, and backed by intelligence. From time to time, he’ll make a comment under his breath that he knows only she’ll hear. It makes her feel like she can be more of herself around him than with other people. She spends no time examining why it thrills her they think so similarly.

_______

They all go fishing one Sunday. She never does any of the actual fishing, but she likes hanging out with these assholes. It’s Candi’s first time and Sydney offers her his cigarette shortly after lighting up.   


She looks at Dan for his reaction, but it doesn’t come. He isn’t paying attention to any of them; he’s there to catch some fish.

_______

They camp out in actual tents behind Will’s house. He has a fire pit and they gather ‘round it to roast marshmallows and drink beer they stole from his garage. She’s worrying over whose tent she’s sharing when she looks up and sees Dan kiss Candi for the first time. She knows they’ve kissed before, but she’s never had to see it.   


She looks around as realization creeps into her and her vision seems to sharpen. She’s the only one _not_ coupled off. Why couldn’t she just suck it up and let Sydney shove his fingers in her??   


She suddenly feels _so_ out of place and wants to be home in the comfort of her own room, her own bed and away from _people_ . She slips away from the group gathered around the fire, hoping no one notices. She makes it to the front of the house and stops to think about how it looks that she’s leaving.   


“Yeah, no.” She says to herself and makes to speed-walk away in the direction of her house.  


“Amy.”  


She stops and spins around to see if her ears are playing tricks on her. She’s never heard him say her name - something she only just realized at this moment. Her face must be conveying her feelings because he’s smirking at her when he asks, “what?”  


She’d like to smack that look right off his pretty face. “I- I didn’t know you knew my name.” Sarcasm is her comfort zone. “I’m honored.”  


He rolls his eyes at her. “Do you wanna walk home with me or not?”  


“What?”  


“Do. You. Want-”   


“No, I heard you. My ears are attached to my head and, you know... functioning.”  


He tries very hard not to smile. This is her favorite of all his expressions. He starts walking and she falls into step with him. “You’re just gonna leave- What about Candi?”  


“She’ll live.”  


She wants to ask him so many questions like why he’s leaving and ...no, that’s the only question.  


He walks with her past his house to hers and the threat of having to say goodbye is making her mouth dry. Not because she can’t bear the thought of leaving him, but the awkwardness of it all is too much. No matter what she says to him she’s going to replay it in her mind until she wants to throw herself off a cliff.  


“Well, goodnight,” She says at the same time he says, “I guess I’ll see ya.” They both laugh a little awkwardly and he hesitates a moment before nodding and turning to leave.  


“Dan?”  


He turns back to face her. “Yeah?”  


“Why did you leave?”  


“I’m going back.”  


Oh. But that’s still not an answer to her question. She’s going to start giving lectures on how to answer a question _properly_ .  


“But why did you walk me home?”  


He shrugs and she waits. She waits for him to say his mom would kill him if he let her walk home alone or that he thought it was lame at Will’s and would rather hang out with her, but he says none of that.   


“Felt like it.”  


She hates that answer. She can’t extract any particular meaning from that answer other than he felt like walking, so he did. It’s like...he would have done it with or without her. She isn’t a deciding factor and holds no significant importance in his brain.  


She doesn’t fall asleep easily that night

_______

Summer passes without incident and she’s still hanging around the same group of assholes when school starts up again. She can’t seem to distance herself from them.  


Until Ed comes in to the picture. He’s new this year and in her Bio class and makes the worst dad jokes she’s ever heard, but he’s sweet and she likes talking to him. Kind of.  


He asks her out for pizza and she says sure, why not.

_______

They all (sans Ed - these mothercunts would eat him alive) find themselves at Will’s again for New Year’s Eve. It’s her first New Year’s Eve away from her parents and it feels exhilarating. His parents are away and they plan on renting the Howard Stern Pay Per View Special. Thankfully, someone’s older brother hooks them up with some alcohol - what could go wrong?  


The guys hire a stripper to show up at Jonah’s house (Dan’s brilliant idea). Jonah is her 17 foot tall pile of dildos neighbor that’s been in love with her since pre-school. Everyone knows Jonah, everyone hates Jonah. She would feel bad for him if he didn’t bring it on himself.   


Shortly after, Will’s uncle shows up to check on him.   


He immediately begins hitting on her. She’s a sophomore now and he is Will’s _uncle_ . Not a young uncle. He’s regular uncle age and saying things to her like he “wishes he was her age so he could do things to her these pissant losers wouldn’t know how to do.” The guys think this is _hilarious_ . When she scans the room her eyes fall on Dan and he’s the only one not amused.   


She sharply reminds Uncle Roger he’s way too fucking old to be sharing the same air as her let alone look at her.   


Sydney informs Uncle Roger that her “pussy is like a hairy steel trap” and everyone erupts into fits of laughter. One of the guys tells her she needs to “shave that shit” (she thinks it’s Ben).  


She’s supposed to go along with being the butt of the joke, right? Supposed to be the cool girl that allows them to have their fun at her expense? Just one of the guys? She feels her whole body warm and does her best to mask her emotions because reacting would be like blood in the water for these dickless sharks.  


He’s not laughing. His face isn’t registering any emotion at all.   


He stands and looks at her pointedly when he walks past her and out the back door. She follows him because it’s the better alternative to the bald, middle aged man eye-fucking her.   


He lights up a cigarette and doesn’t turn to face her as she’s closing the door behind her. The cold air feels like a much needed hug.  


“They call him Uncle Stepdad Roger.”  


“He looks like an uncle stepdad.” She doesn’t know what that means, but it’s the first thing that pops into her brain.  


He nods and she suspects he’s got that half smile playing at his lips. He leans against the step rail and she leans opposite him.  


“He’s fucking Will’s mom.”  


“Jesus Christ.” She shakes her head. “Is there anyone not fucking Will’s mom?”   


He raises his hand in front of him. “Couldn’t pay me. She looks like Skeletor and Steve Buscemi had a love child.”  


A bark of laughter escapes her. “Just throw a bag over her head and fuck her from behind; make her forget all about the clowntard in there.” His face registers shock at her words. It’s there and gone so quickly she’s wondering if she imagined it.  


His eyes are hooded and somehow impossibly darker than usual when he looks down at her and her brain screams _bedroom eyes_ . She fucking gets it now. “I’ve never heard you talk like that.”  


She looks up at him from under her eyelashes and he wets his lips. “What can I say? You bring out the worst in me.”  


He smirks. “I get the impression that isn’t your worst.”  


“Night’s still young. Where’s Candi?”  


He meets her gaze. “Not here.”  


“Does she enjoy kissing you when you taste like an ashtray?”  


“She seems to like it just fine.” He smirks and takes a long drag before blowing the smoke out above them. “Did you like kissing Syd?”  


“Not particularly.”  


“How about Ed?”  


“How do you-” His eyes dart to hers. “Ed doesn’t smoke.”  


He finishes his cigarette and motions for her to go ahead of him before they walk back inside. She’s about to step through the doorway, him at her heels, when he stops her by using both his hands to grip her waist.  


She can feel his lips on the shell of her ear when he says, “let me know when you miss the taste of smoke.”

  
  
  
  
  



	3. tutor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She hates words like passion (ugh) but is there really any other word for what Dan made her feel?

He’s moved on from Candi and is now fucking a senior named Kim. She’s… not that great in the face, but has a huge rack and it’s widely known that she’s easy. She’s  _ not  _ his girlfriend. It’s also pretty well known that she’s been on and off with the school’s weed dealer for years. Kim has people over to drink all the time because her mom is always at her boyfriend’s and her dad isn’t in the picture. It’s perfect for Dan because he wants nothing to do with a relationship and he doesn’t have to try and be a  _ person  _ to get laid. Also, he has an easy place to drink.  
  


She throws herself further into this thing she’s having with Ed.

_______

Making out with Ed is okay. It’s  _ fine _ .   
  


She doesn’t have much to compare it to. Sydney was fine too. It’s nothing like in the movies or on TV where there’s breathlessness and  _ needing _ . It’s more like… he turns his head this way so she turns her head that way and when he feels her up, he squeezes her tit like a stress ball.  
  


It’s fine. It’s whatever. 

_______

She’s an excellent student. Mostly. Math is her fucking tumor and she needs that shit removed. Since that isn’t going to happen anytime soon she has to seek out a  _ tutor _ . She would rather be hung naked from the rafters during a pep rally than approach one of those number jockeys for help, so she seeks out someone that she knows excels at math and doesn’t smell like the inside of a beanie.  
  


Kent.  
  


“No can do, Amy. My schedule is full after school and I don’t believe in using study hall for anything other than its intended purpose.”  
  


“That’s perfect! We’re in the same study hall.”  
  


‘No no no… what I meant was-”  
  


“Oh, fucking forget it.” She walks away from him effectively cutting him off.  
  


“May I suggest asking Dan?” He says to her retreating form.  
  


Yeah, she was trying to avoid that. Obviously her first thought was to ask Dan because on top of being annoyingly hot and excellent at sports, he’s really fucking smart. She hates him so much.  
  


She takes a deep, pride-swallowing breath and finds him at his locker.  
  


He sees her approaching and finishes neatly arranging his books in his locker and checks his hair in the tiny mirror that hangs there before he closes the door and leans his back against it.  
  


She comes to stand directly in front of him, as close as she can because she doesn’t want anyone to hear her. “I need help with Algebra.” She sees no reason to pussy-foot around the subject.  
  


“And you want me to help you?”  
  


“No, I just thought you should know.”  
  


He looks away from her and does that stupid thing where half his mouth wants to smile and the other half fights it. When he looks back at her, she swears she sees an honest to God twinkle in his eye.   
  


“What’s in it for me?’  
  


“What do you want?”  
  


He raises an eyebrow. “How about... you’ll owe me?”  
  


“Owe you  _ how _ ?”  
  


“Not sure yet, but I’ll know when it’s time to cash in.”  
  


“Okay, instead of that, how about... you help me with this and I won’t tell everyone about the time you made out with Jonah on a dare?”  
  


He knits his eyebrows in confusion. “I never made out with  _ Jonah _ .”  
  


“Ya have now!”  
  


He wets his lips and shakes his head at her, half impressed, half something else. “Your place or mine.”  
  


“The library.”  
  


He smirks. “Afraid to be alone with me?”  
  


“Interesting choice of words... and not at all rapey.”  
  


He rolls his eyes and lowers his voice, “Don’t  _ trust  _ yourself to be alone with me?”  
  


She bristles, “Fine. My place. And wipe that smug look off your face before I do it for you.” 

_______

She stays after school for Yearbook. It’s a waste of her time and she’ll probably quit but it ends awhile before the next set of busses are scheduled to arrive so she heads to the gym to watch the guy’s basketball practice.   
  


Dan sees her right away and doesn’t acknowledge her but he does a thing with his mouth she doesn’t hate. Or she does. It’s unclear.  
  


She’s feeling bold and wants  the best view of him she can get. She sits against the wall under the basket and watches them shoot around.  
  


He’s… really fucking good. She already knew this, but watching him and only him is… she’s impressed by him. She isn’t trying to hide the fact she’s watching him either. She’s done with that. Nothing is going to come of it anyway and she guesses they  _ are  _ technically friends so what’s the harm in watching him?  
  


He full on smiles at her when he’s caught on to her being there to watch him. She smiles back and thinks there really is a first for everything.  
  


He shows off and hits every shot right after the other and she cannot look away. He winks at her one of the times he comes to retrieve the ball. He pretends he’s going to throw the ball at her another time and laughs when she shrieks and ducks.   
  


Jonah is jogging in her direction and Dan throws a ball at his head. “What the fuck, Egan? That’s precious fucking-” Coach Doyle cuts him off by yelling at him to watch his language.   
  


Will says ‘hi’ to her and Kent asks if she found someone to help her with her  _ problem _ . He makes it sound like she’s getting an abortion or something.  
  


Before she has a chance to reply Dan looks at her sharply. “You asked  _ him  _ first?”  
  


“I’m the logical choice,” Kent offers.  
  


“Yeah, he’s...logical.” She agrees and Dan narrows his eyes at her. “He’s very good at math!” She defends.  
  


“Better than  _ me _ ?”  
  


Will’s amused. “Dan, are you getting...  _ worked up _ ?”   
  


“Shut the fuck up, Will. You cousin fucker.”  
  


She presses her lips together and gets up off the floor. She’s brushing the gross off her ass when he rounds on her.   
  


“Why didn’t you ask Wonderboy to help you?”   
  


Oh, right. Ed. It’s not that she forgot about Ed… yeah, she forgot about Ed. Not  _ entirely  _ forgot about him...just...for this.  
  


“You know, for someone who ignored me up until, like, a minute ago-”  
  


“Why didn’t you ask him, Amy?” He cuts her off.  _ Rude _ .   
  


He’s close and moving closer now. Too close.   
  


“He’s very… busy with… he does a lot of academic...”  
  


“Too busy for his  _ girlfriend _ ?”  
  


“That’s not really any of your concern,  _ Dan _ .”  
  


She should  _ definitely  _ put some distance between them. She takes a step away from him and her back hits the wall. So much for  _ that _ . He rests his arm on the wall next to her and she can smell his deodorant, see the sweat gathered at his temples. She focuses in on that stupid fucking freckle on his dumb lip.  
  


“I’m just sayin’, if he’s not careful someone might slide in on his girl,  _ Amy _ .”  
  


She shoves him away and he stumbles back easily. “That would be  _ his girl’s  _ choice.  _ Not  _ his.”   
  


He smirks. He fucking smirks at her like he knows something she doesn’t.   
  


Maybe he does.

_______

He’s impossible to be around for the next few days. He keeps quizzing Kent in front of her and they go back and forth like this until she can’t take it anymore.   
  


“Oh, for shit’s sake...just whip out your dicks and start pissing… If you can find them.” Kent’s eyes widen, not used to hearing her speak this way, but Dan is staring holes through her, unfazed by her outburst.   
  


She’s so done with keeping her mouth shut for fear of being seen as too abrasive. Ben once told her something that stuck with her and it’s been on her mind more and more lately: those who matter, don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter. 

_______

They’re in her room, spread out on the floor with her door open because her mom is home.   
  


She points to the equation. “Hieroglyphics.”   
  


He is trying his best not to laugh at her and she can tell by the way the corner of his lips quiver a little. “Okay, this looks harder than it is.”  
  


“You’ve said that about every problem!”  
  


“No, really. Stay with me here...a quadratic equation is a polynomial equation-”  
  


“You lost me.”  
  


He hangs his head, but it’s playful. “There’s a bunch of different ways to solve this. All we have to do is pick the method that works for you and-”  
  


“I hate  _ all  _ of them.”  
  


He wipes his hand down his face. “Okay, let’s take a break.”   
  


She slams the book closed. “Finally.”  
  


He holds a finger to his lips signaling her to be quiet and leans in to kiss her. Only he stops a breath away from her lips. She closes the distance and tentatively presses her lips to his. She kisses him slowly and he lets her set the pace. Both his hands are buried in her hair, her fist gripping his shirt.   
  


She cuts off the kiss before it can become something more and he stares at her with those impossibly dark eyes. She clears her throat and straightens her back, squaring her shoulders. “You’re the worst tutor ever.”

_______

Ben throws a party and it’s like the entire fucking school is there. Her parents know she’s there, but she has to be home by midnight. She didn’t fight them on it because even midnight might be too long to spend with these assclowns.  
  


Ed is there with the rest of the AV Club and she’s standing with them, but scanning for literally anyone to glom onto in order to get away from them. She can’t stand this circle jerk of useless movie knowledge for another minute.   
  


Candi smiles at her from across the room.  _ Pass _ .

Jonah approaches her and she tells him to go fuck a bag of glass. 

Mike could work if he wasn’t stoned out of his mind and face first in a bowl of queso.

Where the fuck are Ben and Kent? Why are all her friends  _ males _ ?

Will!  _ Perfect _ .  
  


She tugs on Ed’s shirt to get his attention away from the other mouth-breathing videophiles. “ **I’m gonna go say hi to Will** .” She has to yell so he’ll hear her over the (probably) too loud music and morons chanting for other morons to  _ drink drink drink _ .  
  


She escapes the group of forever virgins and attempts to find Will. (She  _ just  _ saw him; where the hell could he have gone?) She does a lap of the whole first floor and sees plenty of other people she knows, but Will is safe. He knows her well enough that they won’t have to make stupid small talk. Also, he has a brain in his head so that’s always a plus.  
  


If she doesn’t find him soon she might try Mike. He  _ is  _ pretty funny when he’s stoned.   
  


“ **Looking for someone?** ” It’s Dan because of course it’s Dan.   
  


“ **Not** **_you_ ** .”  
  


“ **He’s in the dining room with the other micro penises** .”  
  


She bites down on her amused smile which makes him smile. “ **I wasn’t looking for Ed. I was looking for Will** .”  
  


“ **Why the fuck are you looking for** **_Will_ ** **?** ”  
  


“ **Him or Mike** .” Yelling this much is exhausting.  
  


“ **Mike’s passed out on the floor. I was just putting stuff in his mouth** .”  
  


“ **You were** **_what_ ** **?** ” Honestly how is this enjoyable for people? She can’t hear  _ anything _ .  
  


He wraps his arm around the small of her back, pulls her flush against him and speaks directly in her ear, “I was putting stuff in his mouth.”  
  


A chill runs down her spine. One of those really good chills that makes you immediately crave more. A very meager ‘oh’ is all she can manage.  
  


“Come upstairs with me.” She gives him a questioning look. “Not as loud up there,” he explains.  
  


She swallows hard around her refusal and it lodges in her throat. Her gut is telling her the moment she’s alone with him in one of those rooms, she’s a goner.. She decides to test him instead.  
  


“We could go outside and get some air?”  
  


He takes her hand and leads her out through the front door. She’s never seen him hold a girl’s hand and now the hand he’s holding is hers. This is almost better than kissing him.   
  


They walk right past the dining room and Ed gives her a quizzical look. She shrugs and waves hoping he’ll laugh it off and he does. The thought crosses her mind that Dan wouldn’t. He would wanna know where the hell she was going with another guy holding her hand. She shakes away the thought because it’s dangerous territory.  
  


She hadn’t expected him to relent so easily and now she’s roped herself into more alone time with him. Her stomach is flipping over on itself as they sit down on the porch swing (he holds it in place so she can hop onto it). Something along the way has tipped the scales towards liking him more than hating him (she still very much hates him) and it’s pissing her off.  
  


She expects him to light a cigarette, but it doesn’t happen.   
  


“So, why were you looking for Will or Mike?” He takes a swig of his beer and grimaces before offering it to her.  
  


She shakes her head, “That shit tastes like goat piss.”  
  


He tips the cup over the porch rail. “You’re not wrong… I could go get us shots?”  
  


“No, stay.” It’s out before she can engage her filter.   
  


He flashes her a small, genuine smile. “Okay.”  
  


She can’t stand the intensity of his black eyes and scrambles for something to say. “Where the hell is Ben?”  
  


“Probably the tree house.”  
  


She laughs, “Why?”  
  


“You know Ben.” He knocks his elbow against her arm. “You didn’t answer my question.”  
  


“I needed to get away from the basement dwellers.”  
  


He laughs at her candor, “Do you even  _ like  _ that kid? Does he have a pencil dick? He looks like he has a pencil dick.”  
  


She’s never seen or felt Ed’s dick, but she’s not going to hand that information over to Dan. Her silence on the matter is enough to make him drop the subject.   
  


“When do you have to be home?”  
  


“Midnight.”  
  


“I’ll walk you.”  
  


That’s how she ends up on her porch with him until 3 am. He walks her home and doesn’t immediately leave so they sit on her front steps and talk quietly. Technically, she’s home so there’s no violation. He talks a lot more than she ever knew or realized. It’s a normal amount for anyone else, but she’s never seen him as normal.   
  


There’s something so freeing about speaking openly with someone in the middle of the night. It’s as if the world and all its judgements fall away. She asks him questions she would never usually ask him and he provides brutally honest answers.   
  


“What’s it like fucking Kim?”  
  


“You really wanna know?”  
  


She nods.  
  


“She leaves her shirt on because she’s insecure about her tits and stomach.”  
  


“ _ Really _ ?”

*

“Why are you with Ed?”  
  


“He’s nice and… he doesn’t expect much from me.”  
  


“Like?”  
  


“Like he’s not pushy when it comes to… you know.”  
  


“Sex?”  
  


She squeezes her tit hard with only the tips of her fingers. “This is the only sex I’m having.”  
  


He laughs so hard she’s afraid he’ll wake her parents. Or worse, Sophie.   
  


They talk about their friends, their families, and how fucking mind-blowing it is that they’re floating on a giant rock in infinite space and if they weren’t so close to a giant ball of fire, the whole world would look like it was 2 am all the time.   
  


She hears a noise inside the house and panics so hard her limbs feel numb and her throat impossibly thick. She’s never broken curfew or been “caught” with a boy. Technically, she’s not breaking curfew, but from their perspective it looks like she’s just arriving home with a male escort. Making him leave is a blur and she feels like a complete tool as soon as she’s in the (too) quiet safety of her room.  .   
  


It’s the biggest let down she’s ever felt. She fully planned on kissing him when they eventually said goodnight. 

_______

She spends the next week hearing stories about the party..  
  


Mike woke up and puked in a vase.

Will and Catherine hooked up.

Jonah passed out and everyone drew dicks on him.

Catherine and Marjorie hooked up.

Sue and Kent sat next to each other the entire night.

Candi and Danny had a very loud fight and she was sobbing on the stairs for an hour.

Ed asked every one of them where Amy went and then no one saw him for the rest of the night.

Richard brought cupcakes that got thrown around and Mike walked around eating the remnants off the floor, wall, and people’s clothing.

Ben was literally not seen by any of them the entire night.

_______

The second time he comes over to help her study is a little (a lot) different.  
  


They’re alone in her room and no one else is home. Her mom is grocery shopping, her sister is at a friend’s, and her dad is still at work. To his credit, he only made one lecherous comment about being alone in her room and hasn’t brought it up since. He’s being very patient with her. He’s completely amused by her inability to grasp algebra 2, but patient.  
  


He gets up from the floor and turns on her stereo. He presses play and the sound of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill fills the room. He nods and says ‘yep’ to himself.   
  


When he sits back down it’s not on the floor next to her, but on the end of her bed. She was avoiding her bed for a  _ reason _ .   
  


“What are you doing?”  
  


“My ass is numb.”   
  


Come to think of it, so is hers. She rolls her eyes and stands to stretch.   
  


In hindsight, it’s her mistake for standing too close to him.   
  


He hooks his finger in her belt loop while she’s stretching her arms over her head. She doesn’t even know it’s happening until she’s being pulled on top of him. Her traitorous legs part and straddle his lap. His hands quickly find her hips and instead of jumping off and slapping him like she  _ should, _ she shimmies closer.  
  


“ _ Dan _ .” It’s a warning.  
  


“Amy.” The way he says her name… it’s as if he’s saying ‘Come on you know we both want this.’ How he fits all that into two syllables is beyond her comprehension, but it’s  _ there _ .  
  


So she plants her hands on his shoulders and kisses him.   
  


It doesn’t take him long to wrap his arms around her and open the kiss more. When she complies, he makes a sound of approval that shoots right through her and settles low between her legs. Her hips rock against him on instinct and she feels embarrassed for a split second before he rolls them so he’s on top of her. It surprises her and she giggles.  _ Giggles _ . The embarrassments keep on coming.  
  


The sound of her giggling must jar him as much as it does her because he pauses. “You good?”  
  


She nods her affirmation and his lips are on hers again. He’s more insistent this time. His whole body is pressing into her and she can’t get enough. Her legs wrap around his torso and pull him as close as he can get with clothes between them.   
  


He slowly, as if testing the waters, grinds his hips against her.   
  


It's as if a switch has been flipped inside her. She arches to meet him and sucks his bottom lip into her mouth and bites down gently on that fucking freckle. His answering moan makes her core ache in the most delicious way and her mouth can't contain the corresponding mewl of pleasure.  
  


One of his hands finds its way under her shirt, but just barely. It’s just enough to scorch her skin and silently beg him to do more, touch her more. He pulls back from her and is about to remove her shirt when a thought hits her.  
  


“You don't taste like smoke.”   
  


He opens his mouth to say something but it dies in his throat when they hear the front door open.   
  


He's able to get off her and adjust himself before her sister makes it up the stairs and barges into her room.   
  


“Jesus Christ, Sophie. Fucking  _ knock _ .”  
  


Sophie leans against the door frame. “Why? Am I  _ interrupting _ something?” She throws Dan a flirty little wave. “Hi, Dan.”  
  


“Sophie.”  
  


“Long time, no _...talk _ .” She winks at him and he looks at Amy with real fear in his eyes.  
  


Amy’s eyes widen in horror. “You…with my...  _ sister _ ?!”  
  


He holds his hands out defensively. “It was a seven minutes in heaven thing and she  _ attacked _ me.”  
  


Sophie laughs and makes her way down the hall to her own room. “Didn't hear you complaining!”  
  


“Oh  _ God _ .”  
  


“Does she always do that? Just come into your room like that?”  
  


“Yes.”  
  


“Look, it wasn’t even a thing. She shoved her tongue down my throat-”  
  


She makes gagging noises so he’ll  _ stop talking _ . “I don't know why I'm surprised. Except now I have to live with her and she  _ clearly  _ knows  _ something…  _ happened. She's gonna tell my parents because she loves to make my life a living hell and they'll ground me and Ed will ask why and… oh my  _ God _ , Ed-”  
  


He kisses her to shut her up.   
  


“Ew, don't kiss me when I'm saying my boyfriend's name… Not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.”  
  


“How much time do we have until one of your parents comes home?”  
  


“Not enough time.”

*

She walks him out to the sidewalk and he kisses her like it’s something they do all the time.  
  


“Don’t do that!” She swats at him. She didn’t  _ not  _ kiss him back.  
  


“You suck at math.” He smirks and heads off in the direction of his house.

_______

She lies awake in her bed and replays the… event. It’s a huge cringe fest for her, thinking about the way she reacted to him and how he must think she’s some fumbling, inexperienced loser.   
  


She’s not. Well, not  _ exactly _ . She doesn’t have nearly the experience he does. What’s his deal anyway? Does he really just fool around with anyone that happens to be within 5 feet of him and female?   
  


Whenever she made out with Sydney, she was left worrying over stupid shit; did her breath smell? Was her mouth too wet? With Ed, there’s no worry, but there’s no spark either. She hates words like  _ passion  _ (ugh) but is there really any other word for what Dan made her feel?  
  


She has to find one because that word makes her cringe.   
  


Dan’s reaction to her felt different somehow. From the moment she landed in his lap her confidence shot through the roof. The way he looked at her…  
  


She plants her face in her pillow and squeal/screams. 

_______

She fails her next Algebra 2 quiz and Kent tells her he’ll make time for her, but Dan tells her they just need to study longer and harder.  
  


Her face warms.

_______

Sophie tortures her relentlessly.  
  


“Did you even let him touch your boobs?”

  
_ Fuck  _ Sophie.


End file.
